I have heard these words inside me

The narrator of the Gateways of Light video says that we are coming to some type of major defining moment in our history and "those people who are meant to unfold through this are unfolding and are doing it pretty rapidly."

Words similar to those above were said to me about 15 years ago when I got back on this yogic and spiritual path. The first time I talked with a spiritual adept she stopped and looked me in the eyes. She said that the world as we know it will seem to split into two camps, and that those who have been working on their inner life will ascend while the others...well, it will take them a bit longer, so maybe not in their present lifetimes. Then she said, "and you will be part of this ascension on a global level, part of the new paradigm." At the time I said nothing and took it with a grain of salt, merely nodding my head. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday.

I've had more than few conversations like that in 15 years, and things that were told to me have come to fruition, slowly but surely. Even before India was a thought in my mind a vedic astrologer told me that I would experience "divine grace" around 2010. At the time I did not even know what divine grace meant so I shrugged it off.

But I will be at the Kumbh Mela next year, the "great festival of the pot of nectar of immortality", on an auspicious day and I've known in my bones for a long time that something will happen to me. I can't say what, but something is calling me there like nothing else has ever done. I can't explain it so I just let it be. I surrender. I have felt the shakti in certain temples in South India and have broken down. I surrendered. I've even thought that maybe I will die in India, and if so, all things happen for a reason. At least I will be on the Ganges and my body can be burned.

The narrator speaks of the disconnectedness of this world and I have seen this more and more in even long time yoga students, their disconnection from their bodies, the fear of closing their eyes. Students I've been teaching for over 5 years are suddenly like beginners again and they have no explanation. It is as if they have become afraid to feel.

I truly believe that all the turmoil that is happening in the world today is meant to be -- the economy, the layoffs, the environment. This Kali Yuga is a cycle. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can begin the climb back up. Sometimes you have to lose everything in order to wake up.

My time on the cushion now brings me much more satisfaction than asana ever did. Sure I feel good physically after asana practice, but it's always a dance between forms and formlessness. As Gary Kraftsow said, "...yoga isn't about getting to know the postures. It's about getting to know yourself." In the past month I have a felt a new spaciousness inside me that was not there before and I know that what I do now will culminate on February 12, 2010. I know this in my bones as well as I know my name.

All I can do is surrender.

meditation

"We hardly ever listen to the sound of a dog's bark, or to the cry of a child or the laughter of a man as he passes by. We separate ourselves from everything, and then from this isolation look and listen to all things. It is this separation that is so destructive, for in that lies all conflict and confusion. If you listened to the sound of those bells with complete silence, you would be riding on it--or, rather, the sound would carry you across the valley and over the hill. The beauty of it is felt only when you and the sound are not separate, when you are part of it. Meditation is the ending of the separation not by any action of will or desire.

Meditation is not a separate thing from life; it is the very essence of life, the very essence of daily living. To listen to those bells, to hear [that] laughter...to listen to the sound of the bell on the bicycle of the little girl as she passes by: it is the whole of life, and not just fragment of it, that meditation opens."

(pp. 20-1, Meditations, Chennai, Krishnamurti Foundation India, 2000)


My recent experiences with yoga studios have caused me to draw inward and reflect on human nature. as my teacher told me, I should accept that sometimes there are no answers.

The lines "We separate ourselves from everything, and then from this isolation look and listen to all things. It is this separation that is so destructive, for in that lies all conflict and confusion..." are the operative words for me in this quote. even in the so-called yoga community we separate ourselves from each other and become dogmatic. that is NOT what yoga practice is about in my humble opinion, yoga is about opening up to greater things. and what are those greater things? more students? money? I have a website but I've never been good at marketing myself, it's just not my thing. frankly, the chase for more money and more students gives me pause and leaves me cold. is that what yoga in America has become, the constant chase for "more"? more classes, more students, more yoga jewelery, more $80 yoga pants? and when you get more classes and more students, are you then happy? or does the chase begin all over again for more? even meditators chase after more meditation experiences. Chogyam Trungpa called it spiritual materialism.

A friend told me "I think you belong in India where it's real. There's too much of nothing around these parts." I've been to India three times and I can tell you it's really real, life and death on the streets, in your face 24/7. I've been invited to live there. but India has it's own set of problems just like anywhere else and people certainly claw and scratch for "more" just like we do here. but somehow it's bit different, at least to me it is.

So these experiences with the studios have caused me to step back and evaluate my life. I know it's my dharma to teach, I'm just not sure if it's here because I do long for something more "real" and for something "deeper." I think it is also my karma to walk this path alone. another friend told me that Kali is testing me, that I must hang in there because the ride has just begun. she said that now my karmic playing field has been emptied from the trash and that I'll see what comes to fill the void.

I have two trips to India planned. one is a year from now, two months at a south Indian ashram studying yoga therapy with a swami. the second is 2010, the Kumbh Mela in Haridwar, the largest spiritual gathering in the world. I really don't like to plan that far in advance, but I just offer those plans to the Universe and see what comes up, if it happens, it happens. I know in my bones that something will happen to me at the Kumbh.

Maybe my void will be filled. and if I die there, at least I will be next to the Ganges, my body can be burned and returned to Mother Ganga.

But for right now, I will rest and meditate and not look outward for more. my answers are within.

the Kumbh

Kumbh Mela

start making your India travel plans now for a future Kumbh -- it's going on right now at Allahabad. It is said that a dip in the sacred rivers during Maha Kumbh or Ardh Kumbh takes one out of the cycle of life and death -- who can resist that?

"Maha Kumbh is the largest human gathering in history for the single cause. This auspicious time & space is attended by millions of people on a single day. Since the beginning of time Kumbh has been a center of Hindu culture & faith. The participants from all the walks of life attend this cosmic zone. Irrespective of all worldly barriers of caste, creed, region, the Kumbh Mela has wielded a mesmeric influence over the minds and the imagination of the ordinary Indian...

...The Kumbh mela is huge gathering of Sadhus & Gurus from all over India & abroad. They come in millions from all the corners for this common goal. There are thousands of sects in India the most common are two, Vaishnava (Followers of Vishnu) & Shaiva (Followers of Shiva). The greatest feature of this mela are furious & exotic Naga Sadhus (The N@ked Ones) covered in ash, matted hairs. They are known as preservers of faith...."*

(*from the Kumbh website)

I'm going to plan for the Kumbh in 2010, in Haridwar at the foothills of the Himalayas...need to get out of my comfort zone of south India...

See you there.